Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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