I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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