He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
