She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
