You can't special order awesome
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I think a kid would responsible me up
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Damn victory sex feels great
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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