Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
