I don't usually arrange sex via text message
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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