Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
