I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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