she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
