he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
