so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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