I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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