Ambien. No doubt about it.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
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I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
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I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
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