I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
