I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
