I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
