i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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