I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
