i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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