he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
