I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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