im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
