3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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