she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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