So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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