Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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