Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
