So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
