if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
