You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
two words...techno handjob
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He has the fingertips of a God
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