Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
