Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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