Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
