You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
sex in a hospital.. check
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
