Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
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Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
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I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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