listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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