just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
