I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
