I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
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