That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
