I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
