did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
