If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
