you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I did not marry a roomba.
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