god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
