There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
