1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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