i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
