I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
