Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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