my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
