I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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