Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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